oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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