I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
