Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize