I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
this boner is exhausting
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
A bitchslap is in order.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
