a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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