I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
