i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
