He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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