I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize