dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
