Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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