Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
