Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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