I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
