I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
