Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
