You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
