if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And then he peed in my hair
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