I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
