I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
