It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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