There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
