ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
