hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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