that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize