my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
