do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
