Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
