she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
