I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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