I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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