Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
