the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
