I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
