woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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