o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
