Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
sex in a hospital.. check
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
