We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
