i'm signing you up for texting rehab
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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