my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
