Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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