just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
