I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
