I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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