Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize