Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
