Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
