I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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