My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
