I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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