I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
