Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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