he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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