I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
