you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
