I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
