last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
