Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Randomize
