You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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