you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
