dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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