There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
