First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is wine microwaveable?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
