I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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