Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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